Where Can You Take Resident Evil's Lady Dimitrescu For The Romantic Evening She Deserves?
Melbourne's best restaurants and bars to accomodate the 2.9m tall vampire in your life.
Just shy of three metres tall, the charismatic femme fatale of Resident Evil: Village caused more than a stir on her debut. A jazz singer in her youth, "Miss D" is now Lady Dimitrescu, head of her house, matriarch of Castle Dimitrescu, a dedicated single mum of three—and the internet's latest fictional obsession.
With "meeting a three metre tall vampire woman" and "going to a restaurant" currently equally possible, the ongoing lockdown is the perfect opportunity to scope out future restaurant plans. Why not extend the invitation to everyone's favourite 9'6" diva? Unfortunately the official Resident Evil pop-up bar has long popped down, so I've put together a list of suitable alternatives. After all, it's imperative you treat the vampiric vixen to a nice evening unless you plan on being takeaway.
Firstly, gaming's most eligible bachelorette has intimidatingly high (ha) standards. Nothing short (ha ha) of perfection is worthy of a woman of her stature (okay I'll stop). Being three metres tall means she's constantly being asked to sacrifice her dignity and endure terrible back pain from stooping, catering to pathetic humans' tiny frames. High ceilings are a must in any potential venue.
Secondly, like all super hot women, she also has dietary requirements; her thirst for human blood makes fine dining options somewhat limited.
Finally, Lady Dimitrescu isn't known for her patience, kindness, or even basic respect towards human life. While this is also true of the many people who harass and abuse service workers, Lady D's murderous tendencies might make your evening a bit messy.
MJØLNER
106 Hardware Street, Melbourne
Offering Viking-inspired, meat-heavy fare with flavourful cocktail pairings, Mjølner is a somewhat pricey, luxurious option for those who want a night out with prestige TV vibes. When you're asked to select your own hunting knife, be gracious and let the good Lady choose hers first.
Full disclosure: I've been here once and while the food and drink was enjoyable, the waiter almost missed my order because he was too busy repeatedly hitting on one of my friends. I'd be grateful to Lady D if she decided to order off-menu—splitting the bill and the staff.
PANDA HOT POT
High ceilings? Check. Over 100 menu options for even the pickiest immortal aristocrat? Check. Located where Dracula's was for over 35 years? Check. While Tan Hot Pot might offer duck blood tofu, it's the combination of local history and newfound opulence which makes Panda Hot Pot the wildcard entry on this romantic culinary adventure. The risk here is that Lady Dimitrescu doesn't care for anyone stealing her spotlight; between the in-house entertainment and the enormous dragon statue, Panda Hot Pot could drive her to boiling point.
EMPORIUM FOOD COURT
287 Little Lonsdale Street, Melbourne
There's something about the public tension of a food court which really raises a meal's emotional stakes. It's all the convenience of a restaurant, without any pesky comfort or intimacy. With the familiar blonde wood + exposed wired lighting of every single café in Melbourne, this is where to go if you and your 3m tall woman want to be seen.
Just imagine: you offer to save a table as she wanders the food court, plastic food tray comically tiny in her hand. She comes back with Din Tai Fung for you both. You say they don't even do takeaway. She wipes a trickle of blood from her mouth and says they do now. Later you go to Muji and try all the hand creams.
LÛMÉ
226 Coventry St, South Melbourne
You would perhaps be surprised to learn that I have not been to this establishment, which I found by googling "most expensive restaurant Melbourne". The full "Journey" set menu is $400 pp, with another $150 for wine pairings. While this includes a dish made with dead man's fingers seaweed, going to Lûmé is all about championing local ingredients; Lady Dimitrescu's interest would probably be drawn to the (iron-)rich fellow diners. It's her night, after all. Let her enjoy herself.
